What does a sex coach do anyway? Interview with Tamica Wilder
Thinking of seeing a sex coach? Or curious about what’s involved? We sat down and talked sex, misconceptions and giving it to yourself with Tamica Wilder, sex coach and author of Wild Honey.
Let’s start with your official title.
I’m a somatic sex coach.
What does that mean?
It means that I teach people how to access greater sex by learning about their bodies.
And how long have you been doing that?
I feel like I have always had a sign on my head saying, ‘safe person to talk about gnarly shit with’ or, ‘this person wont judge me’, but I suppose when I had kids that’s when I started focusing more on the fact that I didn’t want to be at this flatline version of sensation, pleasure, or embodiment.
I wanted to be better and wanted to learn more about why different memories or different physical experiences would give me flashbacks, why that would disassociate me from my body. And why some days I felt really sensitive, shy and meek during sex and others I felt like totally up for it and open. I wanted to understand more about why people need to shove sex, the sexuality and pleasure right to the furthest corners of their awareness and I wanted to uplift taboos and lift the lid on what it means to be in these human bodies.
“I wanted to understand more about why people need to shove sex, the sexuality and pleasure right to the furthest corners of their awareness.”
If I was going to book in with you, what should I expect?
You’d expect to be asked lots of questions about where you developed your beliefs, ideals, patterns, behaviours around sex. We’d go back over all of the stories and misconceptions and the other blockages that you’re experiencing around your sexuality. It’s a process of understanding where they came from and what we’re going to create moving forward.
There is a fair bit of narrative therapy, we work on who you want to be sexually and what hologram of yourself you are stepping into. So, when people are like ‘I’m bored’, ‘I’m disconnected’, ‘I don’t experience a lot of pleasure’ or ‘I don’t want to fuck my husband’, it’s like okay cool so what’s your ideal for moving forward sexually? And they might be like, ‘well I’d love to interact with them at least three times a week’, ‘I want to masturbate more’, ‘I want to have different types of orgasms’ and ‘I want to feel sensual and alive and turned on by life’ and I go ‘great’, that’s going to be the narrative that guides us through the rest of the work.
From that place I teach embodiment practices. Using breath, sound, movement, conscious touch and placement of awareness to help people re-experience their pleasure, taking it from a genital or masturbation focus to be a full body experience. Because we learn sex based in relationships and genitals, we don’t learn it is an erotic or sexual act to stroke your ear lobe in a café, or breath in a certain way that connects your vagus nerve to your pussy and makes you feel good. We don’t learn sex like that.
So, it’s a re-education around fully embodied sexuality and how that actually creates more connection with every aspect in your life. When you’re turned on inside of yourself and your body, and your pleasure, you’re turned on in other areas more easily. So, things like activism or anything that’s important to you: having meaningful conversations, better friendships, better relationships, it’s like, WAKE UP! What do you care about? Your sex will aliven that.
“We learn sex based in relationships and genitals, we don’t learn that it‘s an erotic or sexual act to stroke your ear lobe in a café.”
So sex is a microcosm for the rest of your life?
Yeah, these are the kind of philosophies that I work with in my practice.
Who do you do this work with?
Mums, mums are like my niche. Anywhere from 30-50, usually the people I work with have kids under 10 and want to be up for it more and are like, ‘what’s wrong with me? Where has it gone?’ There’s this thing they had and they lost it after birthing babies, so we reintroduce it.
What do you think is the most common misconception about sex?
I don’t know that it’s a misconception, but I think more an inherited way or belief. It is the way we are conditioned. Sex is inherently dirty, wrong, bad, shameful, sinful, you know? I feel like there are no misconceptions about sex, but there are pieces of conditioning. It’s far more sinister than a misconception – the way that we all operate with our sexuality.
So it’s a process of indoctrination?
Yeah, it’s not like oh I misunderstood that, no you learnt that. That is what is reflected all around us.
What do you wish more people knew about sex?
I wish more people knew how important sex is to our overall wellbeing. And knew the damaging effects of leaving it out of our human experience. I want more people to know about the benefits, relationally and otherwise to engaging more in sexuality. And awaken people to the lifeforce inside their body and how that awakens them to the life outside of them.
“I wish more people knew how important sex is to our overall wellbeing. And knew the damaging effects of leaving it out of our human experience.”
Do you have an ultimate sex hack?
Be more selfish! Deciding why it is you want it, and deciding to be authentic in your pursuit for it. When you don’t want it, don’t push it or force or try. Instead, decide on what would really activate you to step towards it. Because a lot of people I see say ‘I better because my husband will leave me’, or ‘I better because otherwise I’m a bad person’, or because whatever. Bring it back to you, and what you want.
It’s very personal, focus on your body, and what your body wants. Apply touch to yourself: become your own best lover before you expect anybody else to love on you the way that you really want them to. That’s a really big point, very often people say, ‘oh I want this, or I want that’, but it’s like when was the last time you did that for yourself? And they’re like, ‘Well, what do you mean?’ You need to take it out of the relational space and make it as personal as it actually is. Give it to yourself first.
“It’s an invitation to actively rebel against what the structures in place tell us to think and feel, and how to interact with our sex. It’s about snatching it back from anything trying to diminish us.”
Finally, tell us a bit about your new book ‘Wild Honey’.
Wild Honey is an invitation to learn the erotic embodiment tools. I talk a lot about that and how to self-activate using breath, sound, movement and conscious touch. I also tell a few stories about moving from trauma and abuse and the things our bodies need to get back into presence with itself. It’s an invitation to actively rebel against what the structures in place tell us to think and feel and how to interact with our sex. It’s about snatching it back from anything trying to diminish us.
You can order Wild Honey here.
You can book an appointment with Tamica here.
You can follow Tamica on Facebook here, Instagram here and YouTube here.