Nick Leslie
04.05.22
Conversation

Am I Having Gay Sex “Right”? with Nick Leslie

Let’s get one thing (ironically) straight: this article is not about the ‘mechanics’ of sex. It won’t teach you how to bottom better, which lube to use, or how to douche. There are many incredibly helpful, informative articles and websites already out there to help you with those. Instead, let’s talk about some of the insidious pressures - both subtle and overt - placed on us in modern gay society when we’re taught to embrace our subversion of sexuality.

Let’s also clarify that for the purposes of this article, I’ll be painting certain groups with a particularly large brush. Obviously, not everything discussed will apply to every gay person, cisgender person, or straight person, but for the sake of discussion, we’ll discuss gay culture as a whole (ha!), particularly from a Western, urban viewpoint.


We should talk about that point first: “subversion”. Gay men in general have been seen as ‘sexual rebels’. We’re likely to have more sex than our straight counterparts, more likely to be adventurous and kinky and be more open to different relationship dynamics like polyamory and sexual non-monogamy. Sex with friends is generally less of a big deal than with other groups. 


Overall, we’re seen as much more sex-positive. It’s a point of difference we’ve embraced with pride, and sometimes utilised as a political statement to rebel against homogeneity and heteronormativity.


Overall, we’re seen as much more sex-positive. It’s a point of difference we’ve embraced with pride, and sometimes utilised as a political statement to rebel against homogeneity and heteronormativity.

But this rallying cry can also put unintentional pressure on those in the community. The more extreme end of the queer political spectrum effectively calling for separatism from ‘straight society’ and ‘straight sexual standards’ might advocate that you have to have as much sex as possible to truly embrace your queer identity and throw it in the faces of those who have tried to erase and sanitise us over the decades. On the flipside, at the more conservative end, they might argue that we must desexualise our community – at least the visible parts of it – in order to gain true acceptance from the mainstream. So what if you find yourself in the middle? What if you consider yourself a proud queer person and a sexual being, maybe no more or less than anyone else, but you don’t want to dive headfirst into a 35-man fisting orgy every Friday through Sunday? But the thought of banning pups and handlers from Pride and pleading “see, we’re just like you!” at your straight co-workers doesn’t sound very fun either?


Many different factors can affect our sex drive and our overall relationship with sex at any given time: maybe you don’t feel as horny at 45 as you did at 21, maybe your new medication has temporarily quietened that part of your brain, maybe other things in your life are taking priority right now, maybe sex is seen as a triggering environment for your efforts to stay sober, maybe an unprecedented worldwide pandemic has left you craving the touch of another person’s hand, much less their genitalia. Anxiety, depression and FOMO – the ‘fear of missing out’ – are undeniable factors too.



Anxiety, depression and FOMO – the ‘fear of missing out’ – are undeniable factors too.

Far be it for me or anyone else to impose rules on sex, especially given the points we’ve made — but here are my suggestions for enjoying gay sex:

One: don’t have sex just because you feel like you owe the other person something.

Two: don’t have sex as some kind of socially-imposed status symbol or a numbers game.


Three: don’t have sex to get back at someone or make someone else feel bad.

Follow these, along with the usual rules of consent, fun, safety, etc and you’ll be absolutely fine. It doesn’t matter if you’re making love with your monogamous boyfriend in your bed giggling in between positions, or you’re riding two dicks in the middle of a watersports orgy like a mechanical bull with an amyl-infused gas mask on.


As long as you’re having fun, looking after yourself and those around you, and leaving the encounter with a smile (or whichever bodily response you consider positive), trust me: you’re having gay sex “the right way”, whatever the hell that means.


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