Conversation

Why the Five Love Languages Might Be Hurting Your Relationship

- By Anisa Varasteh - Clinical Sexologist

Let me start with a desperate confession:

If I hear one more couple in my therapy room say,

“Her love language is acts of service, and mine is touch. I wash the dishes—but when it comes to me, she won’t give me the touch I desire,”

I might spontaneously combust and turn into ash.

Somewhere out there, Gary Chapman is sipping tea, unaware that his 1992 self-help book has turned love into a point-scoring system.

And look—I get it.

We are a society starved of language for love.

We’re taught long division in school, but not how to say,

“I feel unseen.”

Or, “I need to be held.”

We graduate with diplomas but can’t articulate our longing.

So when a neat little framework arrives—five categories, colour-coded quizzes, love languages in a printable PDF—of course people cling to it like a flotation device in the stormy sea of intimacy.

There’s a reason it took off—it gave people a map when most of us were walking blind.

But here’s the thing:

It’s not working.

In my clinical practice, I often see couples using the Five Love Languages not as a tool for understanding,

but as a kind of formula—almost like a vending machine.

“I’m doing acts of service.”

“I’m giving compliments.”

“I’m making the effort.”

And underneath that:

"Why am I not getting what I need in return?"

WHEN LOVE BECOMES A TRANSACTION

Let me tell you how it usually goes:

A couple sits in my office, arms folded. Icy silence. Weaponised withholding.

“I leave him love notes around the house, but he never even thinks to load the dishwasher. And then he expects me to have sex with him.”

And my body tenses—not because of the complaint,

but because of the spirit underneath it—this quiet belief that love must be earned like points in a game.

And what begins to form is a subtle but powerful dynamic:

Scorekeeping.

Resentment.

Disappointment.

Because the expectation becomes:

If I put in the right input…

I should get the right output.

But relationships don’t work like that.

People are not systems to be optimised.

They are living, changing, relational beings.

THE LIMITS OF THE MODEL

The Five Love Languages can be a helpful entry point.

"But it is not a comprehensive way of understanding human needs."

Our needs are not fixed. They are not limited to five categories.

And they do not stay the same over time.

They shift with:

Life stages.

Stress levels.

Emotional safety.

Relationship dynamics.

What made your partner feel loved five years ago may not be what they need now.

THE DYNAMIC

What I often see is this:

People become so focused on getting the language right that they stop actually listening. They stop noticing. They stop staying curious.

And without attunement—without that ongoing sensitivity to your partner’s internal world—even the “right” love language can miss the mark.

Sometimes, people will tell their partner directly what they need.

And it still doesn’t land.

Because it’s filtered through a fixed idea of:

“This is who you are. This is what you need.”

A Curious Pattern

There’s another dynamic I find particularly interesting in heterosexual relationships.

Very often, men will say that touch is their primary love language.

And on the surface, that seems straightforward.

But when we look a little deeper, something else is happening…

Touch is a human need—not a gendered one.

But men are often socialised in ways that limit where and how they can receive touch.

Whereas women are generally allowed more access to touch in everyday life:

They can be physically affectionate in friendships.

They can kiss and cuddle siblings without social repercussions.

They can cry into a friend’s lap while she braids their hair.

Men?

They get two options for intimate touch:

• Romantic relationships

• Sexual relationships

They’re rarely offered safe, platonic touch.

They’re not allowed to long for closeness outside of sex.

So it gets funnelled into the only context permitted: sex.

That’s why I’ve heard so many men say:

“I miss holding her.”

“I just want to smell her hair.”

“I just want her to hold me.”

And it breaks me every time.

Because it’s not about sex.

It’s about skin-to-skin humanity.

It’s about being allowed to be tender.

So what gets labelled as a “love language” may sometimes be a reflection of restricted access to a basic human need.

When the Framework Becomes the ProblemThe issue isn’t the model itself. It’s how it’s being used.

When it becomes rigid…

When it becomes transactional…

When it replaces curiosity…

It can actually move couples further away from each other.

Not closer.

A Different Invitation

Instead of asking:

“What is your love language?”

A more useful question might be:

“What helps you feel loved right now?”

And:

“What has changed for you?”

Because love is not static.

And neither are we.

STAYING CURIOUS

At the heart of intimacy is not a formula.

It’s attunement.

It’s the willingness to keep learning about your partner.

To notice when something shifts.

To stay open, even when what used to work no longer does.

And perhaps most importantly:

To stay curious about your own needs, too.

Because we are not vending machines.

We are orchestras—changing rhythms, changing tempos, changing moods.

Some days, I want you to cook for me.

Other days, I want you to hold me and whisper something reckless in my ear.

One moment, I want silence.

The next, I want your words wrapped around my name like poetry.

Because the more we attune to each other, the more possible it becomes to meet each other—

Not through a script.

But through presence

Anisa Versah is a qualified sexologist and relationship educator at Relate Sexology, dedicated to helping individuals and couples build deeper, more confident connections with themselves and others. With a passion for breaking down stigma and making conversations around intimacy more accessible, Anisa brings a warm, inclusive, and evidence-based approach to her work.

Her expertise spans sexual wellness, communication, desire, and modern relationship dynamics, with a particular focus on helping people navigate real-life challenges with clarity and compassion. Anisa is known for translating complex topics into practical, relatable insights that empower people to feel more informed, confident, and in control of their sexual wellbeing.

As a contributor to Dripfeed, Anisa shares thoughtful, engaging content designed to spark conversation and support readers in exploring their own experiences. Her writing blends professional knowledge with a down-to-earth tone, covering everything from desire and pleasure to communication and self-awareness.