Shame: that burning feeling (and some tips to overcome it)

When I think of shame, I picture all of the messages that I was given growing up. I was never taught there was anything other than man and woman. That anything other than cis-gendered either didn’t exist or was illegitimate. That there was either gay, straight or sometimes bisexual, but that wasn’t a real sexuality because those people were just ‘experimenting’.

We know, I know, that there are so many more sexualities and genders that all are legitimate. Yet, when I was growing up these harmful ideas were still seen as true. And even though a lot has changed, I still talk to young people who believe and are taught this stuff (or rubbish I should say). 

It’s amazing how shame becomes attached to the body. Where it sits in our bodies. . . How you can feel so self-aware and then you’ll notice, ‘oh, I didn’t realise I felt so negativity about the way my chest looks in this shirt’. Or, when you’re in the middle of sex and someone does something that you actually really like, but your head says ‘no, I can’t like that’. Or the fact that it took me so long to state my desires during sex because they didn’t align with my idea of myself or gender. As I talk to more people, I realise just how much shame comes up when we think about desire, and how closely it can relate to our perception of our gender. 

As I talk to more people, I realise just how much shame comes up when we think about desire, and how closely it can relate to our perception of our gender. 

Let’s dive into the personal. It’s taken me a long time to come to grips with my sexuality, to be ok with saying, ‘you know what, I’m attracted to people based on their personality, not their gender’. The term pansexual has been liberating for me because it helped me understand desire in a new way, which had nothing to do with gender. Yet I still feel the burning sting of shame when I’m attracted to someone new, no matter how hard I work to unpack it. Those voices in my head say, ‘are you sure, this doesn’t really align with who you are?’. I’ve now realised the voice in my head is someone else’s. It’s usually my idea of what other people might think, or it’s the voice of society saying, ‘no, that’s not right, your sexuality is not normal’. So, how does this all relate to gender shame?

Gender shame, sexuality shame and desire shame can all interconnect. I can feel solid in my sexuality and gender but that little voice still says, ‘you can’t be non-binary and like cis-men, you’re obviously not queer enough’. Or ‘you can’t be a sub because you need to be strong and “masc” to be true to your gender’. Unfortunately, I feel like we don’t talk about these thoughts enough. There’s a part of us that believes when we voice our shame the person listening will agree and affirm it. They’ll say, ‘you know what, you’re right, you aren’t actually queer enough’. It’s an uphill battle that’s only made harder when we aren’t given tools to talk about our desires, sexualities and experiences of gender with other people, especially those we are most intimate with. 

I can feel solid in my sexuality and gender but that little voice still says, ‘you can’t be non-binary and like cis-men, you’re obviously not queer enough’.

From a young age we are educated to think that our sexualities, our desires (which are never really spoken about) and our gender are all meant to line up. These expectations are so detrimental to having the sex we want and to being able to express ourselves in the way we want. It’s like, if you identify as a woman, you’re automatically meant to like cis-men and want vanilla sex or to be dominated. And even though we all know that these ideas certainly don’t apply to everyone, society’s voice in our head still whips us for doing something perceived as different whenever we slip out of the perceived ‘norm’ of cis-heterosexuality – regardless of the progress we’ve made.

Whenever the question of ‘do you have to come out?’ comes up, I often have young LGBTQIA+ folk say to me in animated and frustrated tones, ‘why should we have to?! It’s unfair that cis het folk don’t, and we do.’ It’s hard to know what to say because ultimately, I wish it was that simple. But the systems around us make us ‘different’ and these ever present narratives are hard to shake, especially when they play out in our heads, repeating the same story.

I realised that I wasn’t allowing myself to take up that space and it was liberating to feel I could ask for what I wanted – and get it!

However, talking about our feelings of shame can be an important experience to make us feel closer to the ones we care about. It’s also a valuable step for us to get closer to what we want in sex and relationships, and to feel right in our identities. The first sexual experience where I felt truly present was when I voiced what I wanted, even though I felt ashamed of my desire. It was a truly eye opening experience to the possibilities of sex, and for me to understand what I was actually interested in. I realised that I wasn’t allowing myself to take up that space and it was liberating to feel I could ask for what I wanted – and get it!

Here are some simple steps to overcome shame:

1. Firstly, acknowledge and identify the voice in your head and where it comes from. WHO is saying those words? Is it your parents, media, social expectations?

2.Start to notice when it comes up, and why at these particular moments?

3.Accept that it’s ok that these messages are there, this is not your fault. As my mum always says, ‘be kind to yourself’.

4.Rewrite these messages with your own affirming ones, ‘I’m enough’, ‘I don’t have to prove anything to anyone’, ‘My desires don’t hold any deep meaning or trauma, they’re just that, desires, and I should celebrate them’. 

5.Acknowledge that this is an ongoing journey, reach out and talk about your shame, connect with others. These messages of shame come up all the time because they are everywhere. So, it’s important that we try to surround ourselves with things that affirm us: communities, people and media that celebrate all aspects of ourselves.

What has helped me the most is having a community that accepts me for me, that is supportive and importantly allows me to explore all the possibilities of my identity without judgment. It’s been so liberating to be vulnerable with my closest friends and lovers, to share my own feelings of shame. Once one person opens up, everyone else seems to follow. So, for anyone who experiences shame, I say surround yourself with an accepting community where you see yourself represented, where you can be vulnerable and see the possibilities of your identity. It’s what you deserve, and it can be an incredible tool to help rewrite some of those shame narratives to help you feel a little lighter. 

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