Think You’re Not Kinky? You Might Want to Think Again
-BY ANISA, VARASTEH - CLINICAL SEXOLOGIST
What if I told you may have been dipping your toes into the world of kink for years without knowing.
Maybe you like being told what to do in bed.
Maybe you enjoy taking charge.
Maybe you've used a blindfold, experimented with dirty talk, had your hair pulled, enjoyed a smack on the bum, or discovered that anticipation can sometimes be more exciting than knowing what is going to happen next.
Does that make you kinky?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
And actually, that's part of the point.
Before we can talk about kink, we need to unlearn something about what kink is — and what it isn't.
Kinky or Vanilla? It's Not That Simple
We tend to talk about "kinky" and "vanilla" sex as though they are two completely different worlds.
You're either adventurous or conventional. Kinky or not kinky. Leather and whips or lights-off missionary.
Human sexuality is rarely that neat.
Kink generally refers to sexual or erotic interests and practices that sit outside what a particular culture or society considers conventional. And there's an obvious problem with that definition:
Who gets to decide what's conventional?
What one person considers completely ordinary might feel incredibly adventurous to someone else.
Take dirty talk.
Sex toys.
A blindfold.
Being more commanding with your partner.
Enjoying being the one who gives up control.
Role-play.
For some people, these are simply part of their usual sex life. For someone else, even suggesting one of them might feel wildly outside their comfort zone.
There isn't a universal line where vanilla ends and kink begins.
Because, like almost every other aspect of human sexuality, kink exists in context.
So What Exactly Is BDSM?
BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. So, BDDSSM. In short, it is referred to as BDSM.
And that definition can make it sound considerably more intimidating than it is.
One of the biggest misconceptions about BDSM is that if you're interested in it, you must be interested in all of it.
You don't.
Someone might enjoy the vulnerability and anticipation of being blindfolded without having any interest in intense sensations.
Someone else might enjoy taking a more dominant role but have no interest in bondage.
Another person might love sensation, ritual or role-play without wanting their experience to feel particularly intense at all.
And BDSM doesn't necessarily have to involve sex.
It can be sensual.
Playful.
Tender.
Intense.
Structured.
Or even relaxing.
The interesting question, in my view, isn't so much:
"Does this count as BDSM?"
It's:
"What is it about this experience that I find appealing?"
Because that's where kink becomes psychologically interesting.
Kink Isn't Just About What You Do
When people hear the word kink, they often focus on the activity.
The blindfold.
The restraint.
The role-play.
But as a clinical sexologist, I'm often much more interested in the experience underneath the activity.
What does it allow you to feel?
For one person, giving up control can provide enormous relief.
If you spend your entire day making decisions, managing people, caring for children or being responsible for everyone else, there can be something deeply appealing about entering a space where, consensually and temporarily, you don't have to be in charge.
For another person, taking control might feel exciting because it gives them access to confidence, agency or a part of themselves they don't often express.
For someone else, kink might be about novelty.
Or play.
Or sensory intensity.
Or simply having permission to step outside their everyday identity for a while.
And this is why I think kink has something interesting to offer even people who would never describe themselves as kinky.
You don't need to adopt an identity.
You can simply become curious about the experiences you're drawn to.
Start With the Experience, Not the Equipment
If you're curious about exploring, you don't need to immediately buy a collection of mysterious-looking equipment.
Start much smaller.
Ask yourself:
What kind of experience am I curious about?
Do I want more anticipation?
More sensation?
More surrender?
More agency?
Do I want to feel less in my head and more in my body?
That gives you somewhere much more interesting to begin.
If you're curious about anticipation, you might experiment with a blindfold.
If you're interested in power, you might play with one person taking the lead while the other allows themselves to follow.
If you're interested in sensory experience, you might experiment with different textures, or temperatures.
Even lubricant can become part of that exploration rather than simply something you reach for when you "need" it.
Try noticing the sensation of lubricant on areas of the body you might normally overlook. How does slow, slippery touch feel across the shoulders, back, inner thighs or arms? What changes when the purpose of touch isn't to get somewhere, but simply to notice sensation?
Suddenly lubricant isn't only functional.
It becomes part of play.
And, of course, when you're using lubricant for a particular sexual activity, with condoms or with toys, choose a product designed and compatible with how you're using it. Different activities and materials can have different lubrication needs, so it's worth checking rather than assuming one product is right for everything.
Kink Requires Communication, Not Mind Reading
There is one part of kink that I think has something useful to teach all of us about sex:
You have to talk.
Good kink relies on communication, consent and an understanding of each person's boundaries.
And frankly, conventional sex could benefit from much more of that too.
Don't assume that because your partner enjoyed something once, they'll want it every time.
Don't assume that a fantasy is automatically something somebody wants to experience in real life.
And don't assume that being curious about something means you have to follow through with it.
You can talk about an idea.
You can fantasise about it.
You can try a very mild version.
You can change your mind.
You can stop.
Curiosity is not a contract.
You Don't Need to Become "A Kinky Person"
I think labels can be very useful when they help us understand ourselves or find community.
But you don't need one to give yourself permission to explore.
You don't need to decide:
"Am I kinky?"
You might ask instead:
What makes me feel alive?
What am I curious about?
Are there parts of myself that I would like more permission to express during intimacy?
Sexuality doesn't need to fit neatly into "kinky" or "vanilla."
It can be playful, changing and deeply personal.
And perhaps the most interesting thing about exploring kink isn't discovering which category you belong in.
It's discovering something about yourself that you didn't know before.
Anisa Versah is a qualified sexologist and relationship educator at Relate Sexology, dedicated to helping individuals and couples build deeper, more confident connections with themselves and others. With a passion for breaking down stigma and making conversations around intimacy more accessible, Anisa brings a warm, inclusive, and evidence-based approach to her work.
Her expertise spans sexual wellness, communication, desire, and modern relationship dynamics, with a particular focus on helping people navigate real-life challenges with clarity and compassion. Anisa is known for translating complex topics into practical, relatable insights that empower people to feel more informed, confident, and in control of their sexual wellbeing.
As a contributor to Dripfeed, Anisa shares thoughtful, engaging content designed to spark conversation and support readers in exploring their own experiences. Her writing blends professional knowledge with a down-to-earth tone, covering everything from desire and pleasure to communication and self-awareness.