The truth about postpartum pleasure with Tamica Wilder
It’s really easy to find out when you can have sex after birth, what if you want to know how? Your body may by physically recovered after six weeks, but the emotional aspect can be far more complicated, with much less of a framework. Which brings us back to the how – how does a new mum reconnect with both the physical and psychological side of pleasure?
Tamica is a sex coach and multi-qualified therapist with a deep passion for teaching mums how to re-attune to the language of the body, while giving full permission to shamelessly prioritise pleasure and play. We sat down to get her ethical and practical tips on sex post pregnancy.
What’s the most common source of friction you see with your postpartum clients?
It’s an identity mismatch. Their identity says, ‘I’m a mum now, I shouldn’t be down to fuck, I shouldn’t want this.’ Society says motherhood is not about you, it’s about giving endlessly, about being stressed, being overwhelmed, it’s not about accessing pleasure, joy and connection. For people to actively push against that they need to create a new version of themselves and dissolve the parts of their identity trying to keep them in this motherhood martyrdom and create something brand new.
So that’s the friction, it’s like internal self-talk and identifying as a sexual being, a sexual person and identifying that you’re allowed to, that you deserve to and that it will serve your family and your community by being that.
“They need to create a new version of themselves and dissolve the parts of their identity trying to keep them in this motherhood martyrdom.”
There’s a lot of information out there about getting physically ready for sex again after birthing a child, how important is the emotional side of reconnecting with sex?
Hugely, it is everything. They say that you can have sex six weeks after your baby comes out and a lot of people get hung up on that, ‘well I better get back on the horse’ so to speak and it’s like no, you have to be emotionally ready and if that means it takes three years it actually doesn’t matter. So that’s the first invitation; what do you want for you? And also understanding that it is never going to be the same. People want to get back to something, but there is nothing to ‘get back to’. Everything about your life is different after you push out a baby so why would you assume your sex is going to be the same as when you were 28, it’s just not.
“Everything about your life is different after you push out a baby, so why would you assume your sex is going to be the same as when you were 28? It’s just not.”
What does sex feel like after giving birth?
Better! For me it was better. I feel like I knew my body better. I was way more in my body and birth is a very embodied experience for a lot of people, not everybody, but I feel more after birth, and I did the work to take care of my pelvis.
Any advice on what people should expect?
Having a baby changes everything about your relationships; with yourself or a partner. The context needed to feel really safe to dive back into physical intimacy is really important. If you feel stressed, frustrated, or unsafe then there is absolutely no way that you can fully arrive in a sexual space with the presence to feel pleasure in your body. So, you can expect that there is going to be relational friction after you have a baby because you’ve never done this before, and it is the biggest thing you’ll do ever in your life. Approach that friction before any other.
“Take your time. See people who can help your physical self. Drink the breast milk, now I’m getting kinky.”
Do you have any postpartum sex hacks?
Take your time. See people who can help your physical self. Drink the breast milk, now I’m getting kinky (laughs).