Laughter does wonders for relaxing your mind and body, which, as any experienced anal player will tell you is an important starting point for this kind of exploration. Having a tense body and nervous mind makes it hard to experience pleasure and can lead to pain and tearing, especially if you’re looking at penetrative play.

More than just making you feel chilled out and happy, laughter and other exercises that activate and loosen your jaw have physiological and neurological effects that are super supportive for beginner anal play. Let’s talk about anatomy for a moment. Your mouth is the first sphincter and start of your digestive system which is ultimately one long channel that winds through your body and ends in your anus. It is quite literally one connected tube of various organs and systems.

When you laugh and make a sound, you vibrate and stretch the muscles and nerves in your mouth and jaw. This relaxes your facial region and sends messages down your neural pathways throughout your body, activating what is called the para-sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system (ANS). This branch of the ANS is responsible for regulating your body and activating it’s relax, digest and rest response. The many nerves that directly connect the jaw and the anus make these neural messages of relaxation particularly strong.

Why is all of this relaxation and information so valuable? Well, if you’re new to anal play you probably don’t have a lot of control over your anal sphincters, especially when they get touched. For many people it can feel strange to receive any kind of touch on their asshole, ‘I’m used to stuff coming out but not going in!’ Rest assured it’s totally natural to feel that way and, if you stick with it, in time it can feel totally natural and very pleasurable to have things touching and going in and out of your ass.

Another piece of info on anatomy before we get to the “how do I start?” part: your anus has two sphincters, an external and internal. They sit right on top of or next to each other like two rings on the same finger. The external anal sphincter is under conscious control, it’s the one that you can choose to hold when you need to go to the toilet and release or relax when you’re ready. The internal one is not under conscious control; it’s managed completely by your body and that’s where being relaxed before starting any kind of play really pays off. Over time you’ll get better at relaxing both sphincters by softening the muscles in your pelvis, taking deep breaths with long exhales, and getting used to touch in that area.

Step 1: Hygiene

Your level of comfort with poo and the type of play that you’re doing is going to be your guide at this point. It can help if you haven’t eaten a big meal in the last couple of hours and have gone to the toilet in the last 4-8 hours. You may want to douche, there’s plenty of forums you can read about douching, the different kinds and how to. I often find a shower and some warm soapy water with a cheeky finger is enough to have me feeling ready for mild to medium intensity play. If you’re planning on deep penetrative play, you may want to do more.

Step 2: Relaxing

If you haven’t just gone to a comedy show, here’s a few other methods. If you’re solo, some gentle stretching and deep breathing is great, if you’re with a lover then gentle touch and deep breaths are great too, explore and find out what works best for you.

Step 3: Touching your ass

You want to take a gentle pace and start to involve the outside of your anus. It’s important to take your time here. External anal massage can be a really connective, relaxing and pleasurable experience. You can do this with yourself or receive it from a lover and it’s a great way to get you warmed up and connected to this part of your body.

Use oil or lube and explore different strokes, gentle and light or deeper massaging strokes. Be really clear with yourself and your lover (if they’re present), that this part is not for penetration, it’s for relaxation, pleasure and getting connected to your body. Having that temporary boundary relaxes your body and mind so that it’s not preparing or bracing for unexpected penetration. If you invest the time and touch at this point it will pay off when you begin exploring more intense play. Remember, there’s plenty of pleasure to be found here without having to move to penetration.

Step 4: Penetration

This is where lubricants become really important. Different people have different favourites, but you want good quality and plenty of it. Enter gently and slowly and start small with a single finger or a small butt plug or dildo. When using fingers, you want to make sure the nails are short, if your butt isn’t used to penetration, it can be extra sensitive to things like fingernails. While you’re familiarising yourself with this experience and learning to relax, you’ll probably need to reapply lube regularly. I’ve heard it said so many times and I’ll say it again, take your time, go slow and there doesn’t need to be any pain! If you experience pain, pause, go back to where you were comfortable and keep exploring slowly from that place.

You can start with relatively still penetration and as you feel ready, begin exploring movement and slightly different directions and positions. Everyone’s bodies go at a different pace, so let go of any idea of what you “should” be experiencing and keep experimenting in ways that feel comfortable to you. Noticing what’s happening in your body and communicating and responding to what you’re noticing are essential skills to develop.

Step 5: Exploration

Once you’ve developed enough comfort and relaxation in your body, you’re set up to do more intense exploration and discover where your pleasure points are. For people with a cock, the prostate can be a great starting point, it’s located about 4-5 centimetres inside the anus on the upper ridge, towards the front of your body (if laying on your back). Touching it may make you feel like you need to pee, but over time this sensation will change and can become incredibly pleasurable. If you have a vulva, your perineal sponge sits between the walls of the vagina and rectum. This area of tissue is an erogenous zone with a number of nerve endings, it can be stimulated by touching a few centimetres in, on the upper ridge or top wall of the anus, and is another great starting point.

While you’re starting out, play with different toys, speeds, vibration and mix anal play with other, more familiar pleasurable activities. If you want more support with your exploration, you can reach out to professionals, there are sex coaches and bodyworkers like myself, who you can do private sessions with, either in person or online, to develop your anal pleasure.

Have fun!

Jordan Hackett is a Sexological Bodyworker and Somatic Sex Educator. You can book an appointment with Jordan here. You can follow Jordan on Facebook here and Instagram here.